“So how long have you been having these irrational thoughts?”
I pause to think this through. It’s important to give the correct answer. I have to strike just the right balance with the kind lady from the Mental Health Access Team who has phoned to assess me. If she thinks I’m not mentally unstable enough, she will not refer me for free counselling. If she thinks I’m too mentally unstable, she might call in the social and tell them to take my kids away.
Would she actually do that? On balance, probably not. But nevertheless, I must tread carefully.
I immediately decide against the honest answer, which is that I don’t think my depression is ‘irrational’ at all. It is based on hard facts, many of them scientifically provable. First, our flat is slightly too small for a family of four. Second, there is now officially no chance of us ever being able to move out. Third, our collective incomings do not match our outgoings and we have no savings or pensions. Fourth, the government has no interest in making things better for families like us, or indeed anyone other than their Old Etonian buddies. Fifth, the destruction of the environment continues unchecked, with consequences that are likely to prove utterly disastrous for humanity within my children’s lifetime.
I’d argue, on balance, that these are reasons enough to legitimately feel less than 100 per cent zip-a-dee-do-dah. On the other hand, whatever your circumstances, your glass could always be half full. No doubt it is partly the way I am perceiving the difficulties which makes them feel insurmountable. If I were more of a can-do type of personality, I would be out there doing a jolly tap-dance on the grave of Europe’s bee populations.
“It started a couple of months ago. The baby stopped sleeping. We were buying a house and then it fell through…” I give her the sorry list of symptoms: the exhaustion, the creeping insomnia, the almost constant snivelling.
She sounds pleasingly concerned. This is going well. “Any suicidal feelings?”
Gosh. Funnily enough I did catch myself lying in bed the other day, thinking about how nice it would be never to have to get up, ever again, never to have to deal with another unexpected bill, or another broken night… but it was more of an idle thought than an active planning-to-kill-myself thing. Does that count as suicidal? I’m not sure.
“No.” I say firmly. “Not at all.”
“Good,” she says briskly. “So what I’m going to do is recommend that you come in for a full assessment session with one of our mental health nurses. You should receive a letter in the post.”
“Great. Thank you.” Result. I can’t wait for them to make me better again. “And how long will it take to get the appointment?”
“It shouldn’t be more than six weeks.” SIX WEEKS!!! I can’t wait six weeks. Curly is already on the brink of disowning me. I’m on the brink of disowning myself. I take a deep breath.
“Right. Well thank you very much for your help.” As I hang up the tears have already formed a puddle on the keypad.